| in the face of change... |
[06 Nov 2007|03:39pm] |
there are way to many hippies in austin!
backstage at a sick of itall show is where all the action happens .duh! ha not.
houston is beeeeeeeeeeeeauuuuuuuuuuuuutiful!!
back with my love.
oh and karla and i just kick fucking ass!!!!!!!!!!
am dying johns hair purple tomorrow. again haha.
red velvet cake. red nail polish.
i just think the color red is talking over my life!!
am going on tour for three weeks in feburay.
with mike mikes band . from san fransico.
yada yada yada.
...and now am gone
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| my little nightmare |
[05 Nov 2007|12:38am] |
Sick of it all texas tour is over. But I got to explore texas! It was super exciting and igot john and me some new merch.
John changed his number because he says I control his llife but he loves me more than anything so its alright that I do. Hahaa
I remember when I went to colorado in january. John wrote on my bedpost.
"I'm lost so lost amd lost without u"
Awwe...that's how I feel now fucking nine months later.
Love love love .
Everyones in love with me ha ha
And excited for the rest of the year until forever lifes fkn great I love how am living it and the friends I have.
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| this is my fuck the world. |
[21 Oct 2007|03:18pm] |
i would never EVER fucking plan my life around anyone else.
and do only what they do. i will never become that person.
and i hate everyone who is like that.
yes i have a boyfriend and i love him very much.
but he will never stop me from doing what i want to do in my life.
its really fucking sad when people just plan their own fucking lives around someone else.
what the fuck does that really have to say about yoou? seriously. its pathetic.
and i hate when people say. "oh i wish" like they can't do what they want
anyone can do fucking anything they want. whenever. no one ever just has the balls to do it.
if you are unhappy with anything in your fucking life you can change it so fast.
but people would just rather complain and complain because no one knows how to make a change
and that is why this world will never get better. and people are going to keep killing it. and themselves.
its really fucking annoying that i can count the number of people on my hands that i know that can and will actually just pick up and leave if they weren't happy or quit a super good paying job because they were unhappy .
why isn't there more people like that out there? why?
because money rules everyone. and therefore no one is really living their life..
and the world should just blow the fuck up. because no one deserves to live.
because they aren't really living anyways.
i am crying because i am angry. at everyone who doesn't think high of themsevles.
because no one will ever push themselves to be better.
because everyone is just okay with being just okay.
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| la.de.da. |
[12 Oct 2007|07:54pm] |
i miss home like no other.
i miss my friends even more.
and of course. john i miss him all the time :(
rock bottoms where we live but still we dig these trenches.
i just drew the best picture of jamie EVER i was on the phone with himand i laughed soooooooooooo fucking hard and then i took a picture of it and sent it to john!! ..cuz he got a new phone exactly like mine. haha twinses
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[04 Oct 2007|10:49pm] |
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sometimes life happens.
i just saw all these leaves fall off a tree it was beautiful.
i don't think people understand how much i love halloween.
my stomach hurts. i got high at work. to drink to much.
and my lips are always chapped.
the only people i ever call is my sisters and lisa.
am ready for bed now.
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| and i dont believe in you. |
[02 Oct 2007|02:56pm] |
you're asking everything of me. so i give it all to you.
i dont want to go to work today. my body is just so tired.
so where do i spend my birthday. my options are.
new york. san fran. (of course) and colorado.
none of those choices will let me be with my lover. because of tour
i miss the people i am not suppose to miss.
i made thee most amazing halloween blanket ever.
i wish my name was kennedy.
i beeeee working out .
i miss swimming & swinging.
just put off another day from knowing where you are from..
.
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| give it all. |
[20 Sep 2007|01:49pm] |
san fransico is where i call home now.
but its breaking my heart. its breaking my heart.
why does every band from boston sound similar .hahah .so so true.
i love my red hair and so does john ; )
travels to chicago in march.
travels to virgina with johns family in may for his cousins wedding.
i get to wear a dress and look prettty how fun. his family is paying for my plane ticket. cool
on halloween it will be our 7 month annvi. SWEET.
we were talking about it last night and he said that i will be his second longest relationship.
we talked a lot last night . its nice. its like every day we get closer and everything gets better :D
am excited for christmas hahaha because i actually have money .
i miss cassi so very much. but i use johns phone to talk to her as much as possible.
but its still not enough. ha. and lisa. aye aye aye. orange county sucks and she needs to get out of there. asap.
double date tomorrow night. movies and dinner
everythings changing .everythings going fast.
it was slow just long enough for me to be okay.
now everythings in motion again. am ready for it this time.
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[06 Sep 2007|05:51am] |
its kinda funny that my last post was about you and now am writting this about you.
another friend down the drain.
but its true.
once a whore you're nothing more. am sorry that will never change.
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| i miss my best friend. |
[05 Sep 2007|02:42pm] |
You're like a test, I can't fuck up
You're like a song in my head,
like a la la la la la like a dream
Don't wake me up and if I never see the light again
Well I guess they put me in the ground with this smile on my head, my love
My love
We can never break up
We can never not show
We can never go home
And we can never elope
We've only got one choice
So let's keep making it
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| shes got it out for me but i wear the biggest smile |
[28 Aug 2007|12:40am] |
second chances never matter. people never change.
once a whore you're nothing more sorry that will never change.
i never meant to brag but i got him where i want him.
it was never my intention to brag. to steal it all away from you now.
but god it just feels so good cuz i got him where i want him
its easy if you do it right. but i refuse i refuse i refuse.
this whole trip was bascially about wearing as lil bit of clothes as possible and swimming everywhere.
and batman
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| june whatever. |
[26 Aug 2007|02:09pm] |
it was raining and everyone from california was over.
so we got drunk and high.
that night was a success.
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| all we need is love. |
[19 Aug 2007|03:51am] |
in albuquerque with my lover.
tomorrow everything will go back to normal.
california next week with my lover.
san diego warped tour with my lover and cassi boo.
am really sick and have been barfing.
i just want it all to go away.
vegan brownies tomorrow with karla.
work on monday can you believe that i haven't worked since wednesday.
shit at first it was like i worked all day everyday and no its like meh. i like either i don't care. money is money.
i want oj but harrison has none.
halloween is going to be amazing.
i wish we could go to sleep already.
p.s.
lisa things will get better. just take it day by day
and i love you so much. xoxo
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| love |
[15 Aug 2007|02:59pm] |
john learned how to play this song on acoustic geeeetar ..
and sings it to me all the time.
It's about time that I came clean with you
I'm no longer fine, I'm no longer running smooth
I thought that I found myself under something new
Just one more line I repeat over and over again
Till I'm blue in the face with a choking regret
As I talk in circles 'round you on my bed
Can't say I blame you one bit when you kept it all inside
When you left that night
It's about time that you got sick of me
No longer fun, and so far from interesting
I thought that I found me a cure for feeling old
Just one more line to keep me sleeping loudly and cold
In disgraced with a shameful regret
As I talk in tongues to myself in my bed
Can't say I blame you one bit when you kept it all inside
When you left that night
And all that followed fell like mercury to hell
Somehow we lost our heads for the last time
And all that followed fell like mercury to hell
Somehow we lost our heads for the last time
And I don't dream since I quit sleeping
And I haven't slept since I met you
And you can't breathe without coughing at daytime
And neither can I
So what do you say?
Your coffin, or mine?
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| i miss chicago a lot :( |
[02 Aug 2007|09:44pm] |
all i do now is get high and go to work and play videogames and be with john
for the past couple of weeks i've been broke out of my mind and johns been paying for EVERYTHING for me.
i feel bad. i swear we have seen every new movie that has been out this month.
this past weekend i went with him to a family thing and
i love his auntfrom albuquerque shes so badass.
the other night we drove around listening to Alk Trio.
and sang their songs and said which ones applied to us and our situation haha.
it was fun.he has keep his phone turned off for psycho bitches dont always try to call or text him.
ha. sluts
by the end of the month i will be reuniting with a certain state. because i miss and need my friends.
and cassi is going to be there and we are going to rage as always with the LA and San Diego warpeds
cuz her boyfriends band is on warped. haha. and we get to make fun of all the other stupid people at the show.
i miss hope and melissa so much.
these next few months until december are going to be a little bit crazy.
but am more than ready for them.
i am i am i am.
lisa and karla are moving soon.
they are moving because they are better than this stupid fucking city
and they know what is good for them
i hope everyone that stays here fucking dies!.
the end xoxo
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| i dont know anything |
[17 Jul 2007|11:47pm] |
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i wish i felt nothing. i wish i didn't live here.
i wish a lot of things were different.
i wish i lived closer to cassi. i miss her so much.
i wish things would go back to the way they used to be with my brother.
i do need a lot of people but most of all i need him.
he wrote me this email this weekend when he was out of town and we were fighting.
I FUCKING LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I FUCKING MEAN THAT. I'M FUCKING HORRIBLE WITH WORDS AND YOU KNOW THIS. I'M ALSO FUCKING HORRIBLE WHEN I DON'T HEAR YOUR VOICE. I CAN'T FUCKING THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE BUT YOU. I HATE TO BE FUCKING EMO BUT I CAN'T FUCKING HELP IT WHEN IT COMES TO YOU. I FUCKING NEED YOU
awe.
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| in a second u'll be wrapped around my finger cuz i can do it better. |
[04 Jul 2007|11:47am] |
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fourth of july.
calls at 5 in the morning from all my loves telling me they got home.
everyone loving and meeting my oliver.
leaving tomorrow at 8 in the fucking morning.
waking up early this whole month.
things will soon be going back to normal. UGH.
going back to california in aug. its been a while.
weird thing is am fine with it.
missing lisa a lot.
wearing more make up.
liking my hair.
i saw cassi yesterday.
hes everything to me.
and i dont care what you have to say.
being sick a lot. i need to slow things down but by next week they will be slowed a fuck load.
well until after warped they will. i need to chill. i haven't been. but its okay.
bug bites are the worst. they itch three days later. buying moviess.
i miss everyone i call my friend. i miss everyone that i dont see everyday.
i miss people that i know i wont see until next year or october.
i hate missing people
so sos how am doing in your wondering.
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| and i don't have to try. . |
[01 Jul 2007|11:44pm] |
before i left to colorado i had his pillow with me and it smelt so much like him.
it made me so sad. its soo hard not to see him everyfuckingday like i was used to.
i will be home thursday night then everything will be okay and like he said "then we can be together forever".
we write each other letters everyday.
i realize everytime i sign my name the only letters you can make out is the M and D ..the rest is scrible.hahah
i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him.
i never htought i'd feel like this. insane.
i remember the first time we saw each other in new york after twoo weeks of not seeing each other
we kissed and stuff.
and he pulled away and was like ."woah i just got the chills" i did too but i didn't say anything hehe
three more days.
i miss lisa. karla and krista second. and ican't wait to see them as well.
la la la la la. am too tired to be typing this. love love love. sleep.
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| i walk this wasteland with you. |
[28 Jun 2007|12:46am] |
have the house to myself until sunday.
i am buying oliver tomorrow or friday.
party party party saturday and a lil work.
sometimes i feel verry grown up and sometimes i feel like the lilest kid ever.
i've always said i dont need anyone in my life. but i've come so far since then and i need
well at least a few people or seriously my life would be completely completelly incomplete.
i have been going to shows since i was 12 fucking years old.
and every once in a while you will go to a show and it will change your life over and over again.
and i know that if i didnt go to some of the shows i went to i wouldnt be part of the person i am today.
music is something that will always be a big part of my life and will always be to the people that i surround myself with. i can't hang out with people who dont appreciate music like i do.
am always tired and now i know that. that will never change.
being vegan is soemthing that i will never grow out of because itis part of who i am.
the friends that i have now are the friends that i've had the longest.
i dont stay friends with people for a long period of time. i dont like people.
you have to be really special if i still consider you a good friend of mine. and hang out with on a regular basis. like krista. and lisa and karla. and john. and phatjamie. john p. mykie. harry.
its not a lot and thats good because everyone else can suck a dick.
its been so hot i dont know how am going to survive warped.
guys are pussys whenthey are drunk and girls punch them in the fucking face.
everyones always afraid to tell me things to my face. they will die.
southern california is for pussy. and fakes.
new york is for people who are real and ready.
its as simple as that.. and that is why am moving to new york city.
i saw ean in long island his new band Dance 4 Destruction is on tour with hallowed ground.
i hadn't seen ean in 3 years since i was 14 right before i went on the craziest part of my life.
i've grown soo much emotionaly since i last saw him .we talked.
i have so much respect for that man and always will.
hes always been my big brother.
and i still can't believe he is 30 haha.
i wake up too early. i miss my husband.
he called me at 8 this morning to tell me something that when i think about still laugh hard about it.
karla and i are planning something ican't say on the internet cuz word gets around waay to fast for the guys whenthey get back from tour.! how exciting
love me. hate me.
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[22 Jun 2007|12:57pm] |
this trips been amazing
but i hate hate hate planes
and i hated the plane ride over here.
i got to see john on wednesday for a few hours.
but i get to see him tomorrow for the WHOLE days!
love love love it! and him
i have decided that i like the city better in the winter.
john says its cuz of the sun. but i don't think it has anything to do with that.
i have figured out the subway systems. its pretty easy.
ex-junkies talk to me in the subway and then i get in trouble for talking to them.
drugs are horrible and i never want to be like that. ever.
i feel sad and sorry for every person who does drugs.
its stupid and therefore YOU are stupid.that is why i dont hang around ppl who do that shit.
bouncing souls and bad brains show on sunday.
hallowed ground show on saturday.
and today. today will be amazing.
peace.
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| love love love. |
[15 Jun 2007|11:52am] |
i leave for the aeroport in 10 fucking mins.
my stomach is going insane.
and my hands are shakey.
new york city here i come. . again.
but this time its summer not winter!!
i wait for his calls everyday
they are the most important calls.
they are the longest calls.
they are the best calls.
they are my favorite calls.
8 days until iget to see him again!
goodbye hot icky weather.
goodbye stupid hell paso.
goodbye to everyone in it that sucks asssssssssss.
goodbye to my friends.
goodbye goodbye goodbye
hello city and tall buildings.
hello everything i love.
lifes wwonderful
xxxxxxxoooooooooooxxxxxxxxxoooooo
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